and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
