i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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