my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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