my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
