I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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