Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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