WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
