I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
