Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
