1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
