My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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