Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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