just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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