Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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