Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
