Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize