i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just threw up on my dentist
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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