I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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