And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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