i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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