Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
