My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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