i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
