I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize