I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
