Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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