We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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