You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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