I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
