He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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