I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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