hell yes lets make some ravioli
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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