its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
