Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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