Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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