You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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