so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
