I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
