If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
