Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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