Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
