I forgot how hot balto sounded
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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