i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
