Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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