We won't sleep together?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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