Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
All I want is dick and wine.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
