At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
