final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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