Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
