He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
