I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
