He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize