Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
