If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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