about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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