Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
