And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
