My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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