you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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