This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
