it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
