So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
