Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
