I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
