someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
