I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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