hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Holy sore nipples Batman
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
