My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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