when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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