it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
