Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My penis needs a shock collar
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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